A Summary of The Second
The process of resolving my problem was learning. My involvement with psychiatry was also a learning.
I detested the first psychiatrist. He was an unsuccessful person. The reason his psychoanalysis was a failure because he was a failure. My subconscious set him up for me to learn.
Had I killed him, it would have been murder. Consider the learning of law that limits behavior without limiting freedom and the development of freedom. Murder would have ended the learning of my freedom. Living within the perimeter of laws affects the self-development of what is good and true.
The correction of my problem began with learning the thinking of the mind. My subconscious created this and other needed experiences for me to begin learning what I needed to learn.
The experience with the second psychiatrist of being offered medication five or six times and his surprise at my saying no, began a thinking of societies unhealthy involvement with psychiatric medication.
Consider in almost all of the mass shootings in our society during the past say twenty years, most were committed by young men involved in some form of psychoanalysis and taking psychiatric medication. Is this situation then, a problem with thinking? Here. Take this pill. Your effective responsible solution to resolve all of your problems. Makes me think we have arrived at Huxley's Brave New World.
In my experience of developing hate, I could have easily killed someone, especially the first psychiatrist. And everyone at the trial where I was convicted of a crime because of my effort of stopping the development, the hate, thought I must be mad. Yet I had hurt no one.
The hate did damage, screw up my thinking. Yet problems had already existed with my limited thinking. Now the effectiveness, the quality of my thinking was gone.
I created the hate. The necessary resources existed within me. Beginning with the subconscious creative thought process, the source of all creative thinking, the hatred I felt towards the first psychiatrist, and then my developmental failure. They all satisfied what was needed to create, become a problem.
Then as the hate became a problem, my thinking created a solution to end it. My actions were not to make society happy. I was saving myself.
Hate requires development. Whatever reason a person chooses to hate, it begins as a conscious choice. Begins too, generally, an awareness of the thoughts and emotions the hate is creating. This occurs so that if a person doesn't like the development of their thinking, they can stop or change it, a conscious choice.
The limiting of my ability to think, also limited my ability to effectively interact with myself, the thinking needed for thinking. I had created a weakness.
At first, I enjoyed the change in my thinking the hate created, being correct. Eventually though, as I wrote my subconscious thoughts, I didn't like what I was becoming. Yet I didn't know how to change or stop it. My thinking was too limited. My conscious response wasn't effective.
This limited thinking also created where, in being charged with a crime, and at the trial, I was unable to defend myself. The thinking and actions that created my situation were subconscious. The conscious thinking needed to develop self-insight and explain myself wasn't there. The conscious thinking of why.
I did feel then that my actions were right, and for my thinking at that time, they were. Subconsciously I stopped the development of hate, a responsibility of self. I created my situation. I stopped it.
After the trial I started another process of writing to repair and correct the intellectual and emotional damage to the thinking and writing of the creativity, the damage caused by the hate to this, and my mind. As this developed, I began to realize that my subconscious creative thought process, the thinking and writing of my experience created needed learning. I wasn’t the same. I had become more.
The effort lasted about two years. Then it stopped and became dormant. There was no further writing until after I went to see the second psychiatrist.
By then I was, as an Engineer, a member of a maritime association. Included in their medical coverage were six psychiatric sessions. In seeing the second psychiatrist I paid, then filed for reimbursement. On the medical form was a place for reason of treatment. The psychiatrist wrote dissociative reaction.
Dissociative means a person feels disconnected from themselves, a problem with thinking.
During the first session with the second psychiatrist, I said coming to see him was because, as I entered a swimming pool for a workout, swimming some laps, I felt as if I was watching myself in a movie. I knew something was wrong with my perception. Then, I brought up that I just broke up with my girlfriend.
During the second session I showed him my creative writing of the interaction of thinking and the two sets of threes. He enjoyed reading them. He said you could be a teacher. I laughed and said I already was at the maritime schools.
In seeing the second psychiatrist I didn’t need any psychiatric medication. I didn’t need any test to check for a chemical imbalance in my brain. What I needed was to learn. The same as in my going to the first, whatever he was, I needed to learn.
The second psychiatrist was able to learn from our discussions a perspective of my thinking I needed. Stop trying to forget her. I don’t have that kind of a mind. The realization began that I was creating my own problem.
After leaving the second psychiatrist the creative thought process that began as I entered the swimming pool for a workout, continued. The first failure hadn’t been learned and resolved. Problems still existed.
My actions of repeating my problem initiated the repetition.
The broken glass experience returned my thinking to when the first failure, the dissociation of self began. The same thoughts and experiences repeated. The same limits of thinking, learning, and development.
As with the first experience, correction took about two years. Then instead of becoming dormant, the thinking and writing, the effort of learning continued.
A problem of my experiences was learning. In the first experience the creative thinking stopped, became dormant. Creative thinking still existed in my shipboard work, but not for my learning of self. In the second experience, all creativity still existed, but any development of self was slow to little or nothing. I tried. There were efforts of thinking and writing but little development.
A part of learning is that we need an interaction with other people. This involves trust. When my problem first began, and in being lost, I had lost my faith or trust in myself. This pretty much existed until I began the development of self.
Fortunate for me was my work aboard ship. There always seemed to be employment: a ship operating coastwise, a cargo vessel going worldwide, or DOD and Naval vessels.
For years my involvements were work, some thinking and writing, and some enjoyment. A problem was, everything in my life was limited. There was an unhappiness, a depression in the living of my value of life.
This reached a point of dissatisfaction in the spring of 1995. My involvements became situations I didn’t like. Eventually when thinking about them I wrote, what is the value of truth? I couldn’t answer the question. I withdrew from society. I had no phone. But I did have cable tv and occasionally drank a lot.
I could have sought out another therapist. But I had the skills, the thinking and writing to do it myself. I would work at it in-between my disgust with life. Sometimes life is difficult. No fun. We make enough mistakes we can stop liking ourselves.
The learning I needed for healthy relationships, especially with myself, still didn't exist. This caused the depression I occasionally resolved with drinking. The problem needed to be resolved. After seven years I wrote, the value, use, and seeking of truth has a relationship with freedom. I had my answer. I returned to society.
Creativity is a subconscious drive initiated by a conscious thought that creates an interaction of thinking between the conscious and subconscious in creating the thought. My thinking and writing was creative. My effort was to learn.
The thinking of the subconscious is in the interaction. It's reason to exist. It's enjoyment. It creates thinking and ideas. Conscious thinking creates subconscious thought. This is the reason why, when we question we are thinking. The reason why we enjoy questioning and thinking, the pleasure of thinking.
The interaction of thinking and the two sets of threes have a purpose. The interaction is of a person’s relationship within themselves, and the two sets of threes of their relationship with themselves and society. Both are needed and affect, contribute to a person being themselves and being their own.
I returned to church, joined a men’s organization, and became a member of an Orthodox Synagogue.
My writing began to improve. My thinking became an interaction between the conscious and subconscious, the thinking needed for thinking. A change where learning depended first upon me, what I chose to think, the becoming of being my own.
Learning the interaction of thinking between the conscious and subconscious, and that in trying to forget her I was shutting down this interaction, shutting down my thinking, memories, and sense of self, began the thinking to resolve the problem, and the rest of the problems the experience began. This didn't end my problems, but it sure limited them.
In repressing the thoughts and emotions, the memories, love seemed to become a failure when I failed, effectively dealing with it. I learned. Relationships fail. People fail. Love doesn't. Love is forever.
The last time I was hurt because of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I knew I was going to have to deal with emotions and memories. I let them play out. They lightened up remembering the love.
The experience was a lot better than the experience of not effectively dealing with my thoughts and emotions. An experience I prefer not to experience again.
The learning of myself created benefits. I became better at interacting with what I was becoming involved. For example, in becoming my own I brought freedom into a relationship.
I learned too that some people involve themselves, become certified to practice in the field of psychiatry and psychology in an effort to learn and resolve their own problems. They are caring and also want to help other people resolve theirs. This becoming involved in other people's problems enables them to avoid looking at their own. Telling others what to do is always easier than the self. These social do-gooders have a history of creating social damage. Their efforts are not of freedom but control.
As expected then, unsuccessful people cause problems in many aspects of life.
For me, the effort of thinking and writing developed the interaction between the conscious and subconscious, and the two sets of threes. These improvements enabled my thinking and perception of self, the happiness and effectiveness in my thinking, of becoming my own and free, to become.
We all experience failure. The brain is a phenomenal tool. We can think and learn how it works. We can think and learn to become one’s own. We create choices of the responsibility of self. We choose the freedom of self.
© Ernest G Jackson 2022 All Rights Reserved | 1953 words.